The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (Humorous Fanfiction)
…Yeah I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. This was a gift fanfiction I wrote for a member of ZeldaDungeon.net’s forums for a Secret Santa event we did over December. Each of the participants was randomly given another one to do a gift for, and we’d make a gift for them in secret before it was given to them by the event’s organizer.
It’s… pretty crazy. It’s intended as a humorous fanfic and isn’t at all serious. It’s basically a parody of most of the romantic relationships in Skyward Sword, or implied/possible relationships. It’s written as though it’s some kind of essay because… I don’t know.
They say the “hero always gets the girl”. It is generally agreed that when a daring lad does something particularly noble, something worthy of being deemed a “hero”, many women find said noble feat to be attractive. This could be applied to a hero simply saving a single maiden, at which point he becomes “her hero” and she enjoys the fact that he did not leave her unsaved. It could also be applied to a hero saving a larger group of people and his broad heroism is appreciated by all women present, whether they be the ones being saved or casual non-heroic observers. Although if said women were either anti-heroism or also a hero, that may not be the case.
Nonetheless, it can be universally agreed that being at least PARTIALLY a hero as opposed to NOT being a hero will help your chances with the ladies. So it makes sense that when a particular mute saved the entire world from a horrible demon king, he was showered with affection from pro-heroism women.
The strange part about this, though, is it turns out being the object of affection for so many turned out to be more unfortunate than fortunate for that mute. Why is this? Let’s have a look at it and see if we can’t get to the bottom of it.
I suppose the first example was when the mute, in the middle of his quest to save the world, involved himself in the love-lives of schoolgoers. A somewhat bitter boy named Cawlin had asked the mute to deliver a love letter to the object of his affection, a girl named Karane, so he did. She was somewhat less than thrilled at the letter, and practically begged to know what the object of HER affection, Pipit, would think of this love letter. He was distinctly NOT thrilled that the object of HIS affection, Karane, was the object of Cawlin’s affection. Naturally, since they were each other’s object of affection, they chose one another. Perhaps if Pipit had been an object of Cawlin’s affection in addition to Karane, this would have gone differently.
The misfortune for the mute began when, out of spite at Pipit, Cawlin told him that Karane’s object of affection was actually the mute. This understandably enraged Pipit, who was already extremely displeased with the fact that his mother Mallara was in love with the mute because he had helped clean her house (a small act of heroism, really). In truth, that fact creeped out the mute too. Regardless, Pipit could not handle that the two most important women in his life adored the mute, so he challenged the mute to a duel, a test of all the skills they shared, like fighting, knowledge, and bird-riding.
Unfortunately, Pipit was only a minor hero, whereas the mute was about to save the world, so the mute was far more entitled to heroically justified affection. The mute won the duel, and without intending to, won the love of Karane in addition to Pipit’s mother, and also removed Pipit as an obstacle from both potential relationships.
The mute wasn’t pleased with this. He didn’t have feelings for Karane, nor was he not creeped out by the idea of being with Pipit’s mother. These circumstances were unfortunate. Is it arguable that heroism was at fault? The mute had tried to be heroic and set up the happy couple of Karane and Pipit, but as a result he assured that he would be the one to eventually win Karane by being the hero in the first place. Similarly, by being sure a great hero in general, he had assured he would win all competitions where being the object of someone’s affection was the prize. Heroism was not beneficial to the mute here.
Then there was the case of the Item Check girl, Peatrice. This girl was bored and disinterested in her job, instead dreaming of meeting the perfect guy. The mute, as a result of his heroic journey, frequently needed to deposit his items at the Item Check, and so his heroism had begun to create an opportunity for romance. It could also be argued that, when she asked if the mute was coming to the Item Check just to see her and he said yes, this was a mild act of heroism in that he was trying to make her feel better. If that’s true, though, it could also be considered a misplaced act of heroism, and thus an accidental act of villainy.
For you see, however much the mute may have liked the Item Check girl, he was not prepared to like her THAT much; when she thought the mute was coming just to see her, she dedicated her life to him and began to immediately speak of marriage and taking care of him for the rest of her life. Clearly, these were not commitments that the mute was ready for, nor did he have them in mind when he told the Item Check girl that he was looking for items to deposit just to speak with her, even going so far as to cut down bushes looking for money and buying lots of shields. Although… when you word it like that it kind of makes sense that she took it that way. Regardless, it was too much and it turned the mute away. It also caused him another problem. Karane became furious with the mute when she found out about Peatrice, despite him never wanting her affections, and so did Peatrice’s father, which is somewhat more alarming considering he is an emotional, large man who spends his time cutting things with his sword.
So what we’ve learned here is that false heroism can clearly cause undesirable results. We’ve also learned that the relationships made possible by heroism, whether or not they are desired, can come with life-threatening baggage.
The next unfortunate relationship was a direct result of the classic example of saving a single girl and becoming her personal hero. The mute found out from Parrow that his sister Orielle was stranded out on one of the floating islands, so naturally the mute went out to save the attractive lass (in addition to being generally heroic, he was probably hoping for a little heroic recognition from the fine young lady). Orielle was saved and thus adored the mute, but he found their relationship unsatisfying, for she was in reality a very boring woman, who, outside of giving him exactly the same amount gratitude as her brother Parrow, never really did anything meaningful for the rest of her life; all she really did was commentate on current events.
And so the mute realized she was not right for him. This shows that when deciding to pick up chicks through acts of heroism, it’s best to be sure you’ve found the right one first. If you’re not sure, don’t save them.
The next one is a highly unusual case. Kina was a young waitress working at the Lumpy Pumpkin, who the mute displayed heroism for by helping her harvest pumpkins, finding someone to plow the fields, and performing on his harp so she could sing to it. It was strange because in order for the mute to set up these acts of heroism for Kina, he had to commit an act of villainy. He destroyed the chandelier at the Lumpy Pumpkin purely for profit, and in order to pay for it he had to work for the bar and thus was able to be Kina’s hero. And Kina was the perfect girl for the mute. She was pretty, cute, funny, and kind, and he loved her very much.
Could this mean that true happiness is achieved by committing an act of villainy in order to necessitate an act of heroism? Wait, that can’t be right. That’s not what I was trying to say at all. Nevermind. Let’s talk about something else.
The last romance the mute experienced was the only successful one. It was with the one his quest was designed to save, his childhood friend Zelda. After he saved her, they lived happily ever after and had so many kids they started up a kingdom and a religion. Oddly, though, this is only after rescuing the entire world, and he was originally pitted against the forces that threatened the world by the goddess Hylia, who knew Link would set out to rescue Zelda. And Zelda turned out to actually be Hylia, so the mute had actually been following Zelda’s plans.
So I think we can all agree that what this actually means is that true and enduring love is not brought on as a reward for heroism, but as the reward for total obedience to your woman and jumping through every hoop she tells you to.